November 12, 2009

Counting the day left to back hometown. One and half days more, I will be back to my hometown, Penang. One semester I’m in UNIMAS for studying. Exciting feeling that I can back home but thinking about I can’t see him anymore as a couple make me feel sad now. I gave up long time ago. I am sad because of regret in my heart. I regret that I should not be so rush to do any decision. If I think for myself and be more selfish, maybe I will not have to suffer in this regret. Sometimes when we think for others, if he or she is happy, is it enough and satisfy? This kind of feeling is hard to explain in words. It is about the satisfaction. Being a sacrificial person is not that easy as others think. I do hope he is living a happy life. I always control not to be existed in his life anymore but I just cannot control myself to go near him and anything about him. I have a stupid action. I always try to be good with his gf. I just don’t know the reason. Am I interested to make friend with her or it is because she is his gf? What should I do so that I can keep a distance from him? Can I just delete everything about him in my life? Physical thing like Facebook, MSN, and everything he gave, I can throw and delete his account in my Facebook and MSN, but the memories me and him together were hard to forget. Now I understand what the meaning of sweet memories. They can make you cry and smile at the same time. You cry because the memories are no more belongs to you. You smile because you have it one in a time. Since this incident, everyone surrounding me tend to push me to a new couple life. Friends, I am okay with current situation. I do not want to involve in any relationship is not because I am still waiting for him, but I just lost the enthusiasm to love, care, miss, and concern about a bf. Maybe I should say that I lost the faith in guy instead. Maybe my prince will appear the next moment, but I am not going to search for it. All the while I’ve been searching my prince, but this time I shall let him search for me. If he is mine, I can have it at the end. GOD arranges everything well for me. Everything HE planned in all of us is exact the time. HE will never let me down if I put HIM first. Putting HIM first maybe difficult for all of us, but trust me, HE will put you first. HE loves us more than HE cans until sacrifice HIS only son to save us, what else HE cannot do for us? Once in a time, I ignore this statement and put self first. At the end, I realize GOD want to give me something but at last I cannot get from HIM because I did not WAIT. Since I came to UNIMAS, I am able to have a wider view on this world. I think I grow within HIM a little more but still not enough for HIS request on me. Am I right, DADDY? I still feel that HE want me to change my attitude but I just cannot do it myself, so he arrange a lot of things happen around me to change me. From the day I was a baby, HE planned that I should come to Sarawak to train my independence. I am able to face all my stress alone, all my assignment alone, friendship, and emotion. I can live without friends’ accompanies.