January 1, 2010

In such a special day, I still could not forget him. I do not want to lie to myself. What in my mind at this moment is him but not the one I have to. Looking at his graduation picture, I start to cry again. Although the pain not that strong as before, regret feeling still in me. I always control my feeling. Joyce told me that I should learn how to let go. She told me that forgiving of someone that you really love is hard but Jesus also forgive our sins and die for us. Forgive does not means that we forget but let go of the harsh feeling. I am still on my way towards forgiving him. Although not 100%, at least more than 0%. I do not know whether you are happy but GOD take you away from me means that I do not deserve for you, vise versa. Is that ignoring can solve problem? His ignores means he does not want to bother me even as a friend? Or he needs to cool down himself and make clear of his feeling? Am I supposed not to appear in his life ever? I know the answer is let it be naturally happen, but how? Time is medicine for me by now. I need more time to cure this pain. Having new bf will help faster or worse and maybe adding one more person in my suffering? I think I should not back to here. Everything I thought was good when I preparing to back here, once I back, everything change. Everything and everyone change. Before this I thought that he will act like a friend to me but he totally changes his attitude towards me. He said, we should be friend but three more days I am going back but he never ask to meet up. Perhaps he does not want to see me. This is the only probability. He is not the one that I love. He is not the one that I know and understand anymore. Perhaps meeting him will make myself more suffer. I should influence the person that surrounding me but not vise versa. ^ ^