February 6, 2010

January 16, 2010

Today is the most hardworking day that I had. I get the satisfaction through this while I got my first non-fiction book from CAIS. I swore to myself that I have to remain or get better result than previous semester so that I can reach my target. I set my target as I have to reach 3.5 each semester at least so that I am able to receive first class honor in HRD. Receiving it need not to pay back PTPTN as well as get good job offer. At the same time, I hope that I can get the offering from JPA. Since my STPM result not good, I wish that I could use my first semester’s result to apply it. JPA scholarship is so well and much more than PTPTN. Most important, I need not pay back but got job offering at any that they arranged. Isn’t this nice? I can get my job easily but have to follow their arrangement at least four years. Many benefits I get from it if then I get the offering. I need not have to depend on others but make use with the independent state. I can show to others that even I am from poor family, but I still can succeed. What I need to do is concentrate in study and do not waste anytime on others. Remain the current hardworking state is the most tough work for me as well. I should learn from Naruto, “I am bad at giving up!” in Naruto series. He taught me a thing which even at the very last moment, we should not give up. Even we left 1% of energy, we should try our best to accomplish our task and mission. LORD is the major supportive of mine. I really need HIM to help me in all even a tiny thing.

“GOD is real. JESUS will back to Earth soon. Very soon! Be prepared. (2012) is the warning message from HIM. The messages in it were real.” That sentence should store in everyone of us.

January 1, 2010

In such a special day, I still could not forget him. I do not want to lie to myself. What in my mind at this moment is him but not the one I have to. Looking at his graduation picture, I start to cry again. Although the pain not that strong as before, regret feeling still in me. I always control my feeling. Joyce told me that I should learn how to let go. She told me that forgiving of someone that you really love is hard but Jesus also forgive our sins and die for us. Forgive does not means that we forget but let go of the harsh feeling. I am still on my way towards forgiving him. Although not 100%, at least more than 0%. I do not know whether you are happy but GOD take you away from me means that I do not deserve for you, vise versa. Is that ignoring can solve problem? His ignores means he does not want to bother me even as a friend? Or he needs to cool down himself and make clear of his feeling? Am I supposed not to appear in his life ever? I know the answer is let it be naturally happen, but how? Time is medicine for me by now. I need more time to cure this pain. Having new bf will help faster or worse and maybe adding one more person in my suffering? I think I should not back to here. Everything I thought was good when I preparing to back here, once I back, everything change. Everything and everyone change. Before this I thought that he will act like a friend to me but he totally changes his attitude towards me. He said, we should be friend but three more days I am going back but he never ask to meet up. Perhaps he does not want to see me. This is the only probability. He is not the one that I love. He is not the one that I know and understand anymore. Perhaps meeting him will make myself more suffer. I should influence the person that surrounding me but not vise versa. ^ ^

November 28, 2009

“I miss you. I really miss you.” This is what I want to tell you but I cannot do it. I always put myself in this difficult situation. Actually I can do what I want but I not suppose to do that for everyone that involved. I should not be so selfish. I need to think for others. Sacrifice one always better than three of us suffer. Therefore I need to sacrifice. My heart so pain now. Do you feel it? I thought I can forget him. When I meet him on that day, I tried my best not look at him because I scared I will cry. I did it successfully but I can feel that my heart is bleeding. Am I success to tell him that I can live without him? I am contradicting now. I want to be with him but he is not mine from the moment he had new gf. He did this to me now, maybe in the future again. No one can predict. I know is my mistake to let him go easily but I really think for his own good. Why can’t he understand my feeling? Why he never try his hard to understand me? If he uses more of his effort that time, I will not suffer now. Why? I really deserve for it? I try my best to fall in love in other guy but I just realize that it is hard to forget the deep love for someone. It needs time more to forget one person. Everything surround me right now always make me remember about him. I just hope that when I back on the next semester during may, I am able to forget him and will not feel anything when I meet him, I see every news about him and face him with a normal feeling. Why he treated her better than when with me? Sometime, I wonder that is it I’m the only one suffers till now, and he lives happily ever after? What his friend said is right. He is able to face the pain when I asked to break and get his new love. It is true. Therefore, just let me face my mistake alone. Maybe he thought he love me most when with me but realize that he love that girl more now. Maybe he just do what he suppose to do as a bf but now with his new gf is use his real love. I can feel it. Which ever is right not important anymore. He will not turn back to me. NEVER!!!! I just hope now is just a dream. When I open my eyes, he is still beside me. I always hope once I open my eyes from sleep. It is impossible. I should not have this stupid dream. Love is an amazing thing. Love can make one stupid or intelligent. It is depends on the user. Waiting for my prince I need to ride on a horse so that I can reach my destination. Who is the horse? The horses are all my ex-boyfriends. Within these days, I need to prepare myself for the three days in PC fair. I should not be so emotional when I work with him. I need to tidy all my emotional during these days. It takes time but I believe that I am able to do everything with HIM. Am I right, DADDY? Give me more. I will surrender everything that I have. I am desperate for YOU. Halleluyah.....Busying with all personal stuffs really helps. I can forget him temporary and better than nothing. Time pass, I believe that I am able.^.^

November 12, 2009

Counting the day left to back hometown. One and half days more, I will be back to my hometown, Penang. One semester I’m in UNIMAS for studying. Exciting feeling that I can back home but thinking about I can’t see him anymore as a couple make me feel sad now. I gave up long time ago. I am sad because of regret in my heart. I regret that I should not be so rush to do any decision. If I think for myself and be more selfish, maybe I will not have to suffer in this regret. Sometimes when we think for others, if he or she is happy, is it enough and satisfy? This kind of feeling is hard to explain in words. It is about the satisfaction. Being a sacrificial person is not that easy as others think. I do hope he is living a happy life. I always control not to be existed in his life anymore but I just cannot control myself to go near him and anything about him. I have a stupid action. I always try to be good with his gf. I just don’t know the reason. Am I interested to make friend with her or it is because she is his gf? What should I do so that I can keep a distance from him? Can I just delete everything about him in my life? Physical thing like Facebook, MSN, and everything he gave, I can throw and delete his account in my Facebook and MSN, but the memories me and him together were hard to forget. Now I understand what the meaning of sweet memories. They can make you cry and smile at the same time. You cry because the memories are no more belongs to you. You smile because you have it one in a time. Since this incident, everyone surrounding me tend to push me to a new couple life. Friends, I am okay with current situation. I do not want to involve in any relationship is not because I am still waiting for him, but I just lost the enthusiasm to love, care, miss, and concern about a bf. Maybe I should say that I lost the faith in guy instead. Maybe my prince will appear the next moment, but I am not going to search for it. All the while I’ve been searching my prince, but this time I shall let him search for me. If he is mine, I can have it at the end. GOD arranges everything well for me. Everything HE planned in all of us is exact the time. HE will never let me down if I put HIM first. Putting HIM first maybe difficult for all of us, but trust me, HE will put you first. HE loves us more than HE cans until sacrifice HIS only son to save us, what else HE cannot do for us? Once in a time, I ignore this statement and put self first. At the end, I realize GOD want to give me something but at last I cannot get from HIM because I did not WAIT. Since I came to UNIMAS, I am able to have a wider view on this world. I think I grow within HIM a little more but still not enough for HIS request on me. Am I right, DADDY? I still feel that HE want me to change my attitude but I just cannot do it myself, so he arrange a lot of things happen around me to change me. From the day I was a baby, HE planned that I should come to Sarawak to train my independence. I am able to face all my stress alone, all my assignment alone, friendship, and emotion. I can live without friends’ accompanies.

November 8, 2009

I lost my mood in studying my final examination in tomorrow time. I keep thinking about the day of going back hometown, what should be done on that one month, and what should be eaten. Thinking of all these make me feel thousand times of excited. It had been six months that I’ve been UNIMAS for the first semester. Once I step on this land, it is no turning back. I need to stay here until I graduate. Seriously, PTPTN itself just enough for paying fees here and has simple or cheap meals everyday. If I wish to go back to Penang, I need to be wised-spend on it. Otherwise, I need to depend on my uncle to pay for it. Although there is someone paying for me but not asking me to pay back, but I could not go back that often.

There were few months that I suffered a lot of missing him and my home. It was the period of time that I feel like dying. No one understands better than me. This is my first time to be so far from home and so long never going back. Few days more, I’m in my home. I am meeting my friends and my family. I need to carefully plan on my schedule for my one month break. I do hope that he will stop reading my blog and keep some privacy for me. I’ve been warn him many times not to read anymore but he still keep with that. What is he trying to do? We are not the relationship that he has to read my blog and know anything from me. Although we are still friend, but who ever on this Earth read will be make no difference, but if he read is totally different story. I do not know how to explain the reason I care about it, but I am strongly dislike he read it. I hope he know how to respect me and himself, not forgetting his gf. I told Lin, she also agreed that I need to warn him again. He goes into my privacy area. What he want from me actually? When I decided to give up of him and do not want to bother him, then he start to read my blog and comment to me. Is it man that cheap? When I want him still and willing to wait for him, he do not want to bother me; when I decide to give up, then he has all these actions?

PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!

You disappointed me once, and please leave me alone. Okay?

Here a quote that so meaningful to me and I hope if he read my blog again, please try to understand the meaning in it.

“如果你不爱一个人，请放手。好让别人有机会爱他。如果你爱的人放弃了你，请放开自己，好让自己有机会爱别人。有些东西你再喜欢也不会属于你的，有的东西你再留恋也注定要放弃的。人生中有许多种。但别让自己为一种伤害。有些缘分是注定要失去的，有些缘分是永远都不会有好结果的。爱一个人不一定要拥有，但拥有一个人就要好好的去爱他。男人哭了是因为他真的爱了，女人哭了是因为她放弃了。”

When you no more love someone, please let him/her go, so that she deserve to get her/his happiness and let someone else to love her/him. When a girl cries is because she really gives up. I cried more than two months because of stupid, sucks, low patient, and low class him. Now when I decided to put down, he comes to read my blog? What his problem? Although I am still love him, but we are impossible. I said to myself, if he turn back to me, I will not accept again so do all my ex. Other I cannot confirm, but he will definitely not doing it again. What is love? My university has a lot of good choice and some chasers, but I do not have any interest towards them. I think is not because of him, is because that I’m no more trust on it. I will wait for him. The “him” that sent by GOD. GOD always wants me to WAIT. Now, I find my peace in HIM though single. I need to stand strong on the conditions of my bf. In previous period, I lost in all relationship. Conclusion, I’m too rushing for a relationship and I never stand strong on my points. I need to change. Well, I’m going to have a short sharing session in RCC next Sunday about GOD’s work on me. I’m excited for it. I’m desperate for HIM. Halleluyah. ^.^